Sunday, June 10, 2007

Musings

Bicycling home in the rain. Not fun. At least it was warm.

Earlier this week as Kim and I were flipping through the TV channels we paused at an episode of Brothers and Sisters. Sally Fields portrayed a mother; Calista Flockhart, her daughter. During one portion of the show, mother and daughter were in bed together while the mom cradled and comforted the adult daughter. I frowned at my husband and said something like, "Women that age don't behave like that."
Kim replied, "Oh... I could see you and Vanessa having such a moment."

Now I shake my head, thinking, "When did I think I got so tough?"

Yesterday I found myself in my daughter's apartment, resting in bed with her. For my own peace of mind I needed to be with her. Vanessa had been through the kind of night everyone dreads. I kept my hand on her arm as reassurance of her continuing physical presence on this earth and in my life.

I don't doubt that I was affected by the sudden death earlier this month of the teenage daughter of an acquaintance. I was stricken when I heard the news. It's always a shock, how quickly life can turn around. And it is so easy for me to try to build a shell around myself, attempting some insulation against life's troubles.
But that never really works.

The truth is I'm terrified. Terrified of losing the ones I love. Because they can never be replaced. And the resulting hole would be larger than I can comprehend.

There is nothing special about me and my loved ones. Nothing that protects us from all sorts of tragedy. Writing that down actually helps. There is nothing I can do to guarantee our safety or happiness. My job is to love and cherish the people I love, while I am able.

4 comments:

Natalie said...

I feel the same way about losing loved ones...all you can do is hope and pray everyday that your family will be alright. I know what you mean about writing things down...it is good therapy! So is laying in the bed with your daughter...I've been there and I know she felt good that you were there for her.

Jeffrey said...

Ditto as Natalie said ... Life has its sucky-ass moments .... we try to get through them... we hope to help others get through them ... and we dance when we can... I love your attitude and I'm sure your family appreciates any comfort you can give them in times of need.... Peace....

Kim and Victoria said...

Thanks Natalie and Jeffrey.

Rosemary said...

Your story so moved me
I have lost a daughter and nothing is quite the same
It is terrifying